Therapy sucks.

I forgot about this blog. It's been over a year, and my life looks so much different. I sold everything I owned and moved across the country to a place that so thoroughly and completely feels like home that it's hard to believe I wasn't born here. I'm closer to getting out of the kind of work that drains my life energy and makes me miserable, to doing the work that sustains me and that I'm meant to do. I've physically and emotionally removed myself from dysfunctional, enmeshed relationships. I'm happier. I'm more authentic.

To be sure, I've been on the path of healing.

One of the first things I did when I arrived in my new home was look for a therapist. Previous attempts throughout my life had failed. I seemed to have a knack for finding incompetent therapists who let their own issues get in the way. So indeed, I didn't have much hope that things would be different - but for some reason I tried anyway. Something drew me to this place for a reason, and I had a strong feeling that this was the place I have come to heal.

Long story short: the first place I called is where I am still in therapy. That in and of itself is amazing, that on the first try I hit a home run! I've been seeing the same therapist for over a year, at least once per week. It's almost as if he was waiting for me, and I was led directly to him, specifically. Call me crazy, but the universe can appear crazy when it knows exactly what it's doing - and I trust that over anything else in this world.

Gender issues have barely come up; I have a lot of other things that were/are more important and probably critical to resolve before being able to attack the gender stuff. So it's been a long journey unpacking all the trauma. Things were going pretty well, until relatively recently.

In the course of facing my shit, the shit has hit the fan. Therapy sucks! I hate it.

I hate the fact that I still have to go through all of this tumult, this inner turmoil, this shame, this painful intimacy and vulnerability that destroys all of my defenses that I honed to perfection in order to survive. It makes me mad, it makes me scared, it makes me resentful. And the worst part is that the only way out is through. I want to walk away licking my wounds in a self-satisfied huff. But something is making me stick it out, something deep inside me is aware of and craftily dismantling my impulses to lash out and sabotage my therapy and my efforts to heal.

And that is, at least right now, infuriating.

Scared to be me, but what's the worst that could happen?

I've come to realize something profound: I'm scared to be myself.

What's the worst that could happen, if I were to truly be true to myself? I don't really know the answer, but I know that the alternative is unacceptable & I just can't go on living my life like this. I have to figure out how to be comfortable with who I am. I have to take the risk that I will lose people that I love - because if I don't, I risk losing myself completely.

I grew up in an alcoholic household. My entire family were/are alcoholics. I have a lot of self-esteem issues surrounding experiences from being a child around a bunch of drunk people. I learned very early on that my feelings were insignificant and/or wrong & that it was my responsibility to take care of everyone but myself. I didn't have much time to explore my identity; it simply wasn't safe. So I created an outward persona & hid the real me deep inside. For a long time I ignored that person & continued dealing with the insanity in a dysfunctional alcoholic family. I became a workaholic in order to escape from the pain.

But eventually, I couldn't ignore it any more. Eventually, the surface began to crack & all the pent up anger, fear, hurt, shame, and resentment overflowed. The dysfunctional dynamic was continuing in the present without an end, and I simply had no more room to store all the wreckage anymore. So I did the only thing I could do: I stopped.

I stopped letting people say things to me without being accountable for them.

I stopped listening to the people trying to control my life.

I stopped participating in unhealthy conversations & relationships.

I stopped looking at myself as powerless to change my life.

I stopped replaying the old tapes.

I stopped sacrificing my happiness for the happiness of others.

I stopped living a lie.

I've been in a continual state of reevaluation of my life for a few years now. I've taken a long hard look at every nugget of my life, a process that is slow, painful, scary, and incredibly difficult. It's far from over, I have a long road ahead of me. But I can feel that I'm on to something; that there is something changing, that I'm moving towards something bigger. Could that something be healing? I sure hope so. It's been so lonely, yet I feel connected and lead. I've put in the effort, had the courage, endured the confusion and pain and uncertainty. I'm ready to be authentic. I'm ready to embrace my truth, whatever that truth happens to be. 

I'm ready to heal.

The other side of the coin: my main obstacle to transitioning

While it's on my mind, I need to bring up an important issue concerning my overall resistance to transitioning in any respect. It is the main obstacle in my way of embracing either taking testosterone ("T") or having top surgery. I am very into natural and "alternative" health (specifically Ayurveda), and I have been having a mental struggle about if the effects of either of these would alter my physiology & disrupt the nature of my body. This is a very complex topic, with so many different layers to consider & argue, but unfortunately it is one that I have not been able to find much if any information about. I'm still looking, though.

Basically, I don't want to do anything to my body that would negate the benefits or effectiveness of Ayurveda. I have no idea whether or not Ayurvedically T would be recognized as a "toxin" in my body, or that removing my breasts would cause physiological changes that would yield a net effect of "foreign" or "unnatural." That is only one way of looking at it. Another is that, potentially, I am currently in an unnatural state (explaining genderqueer or transgender state?) & doing one or both of these would cause positive effects in my body. The latter argument has a lot of strength considering several facts of my current existence, including my low energy levels & certain depressive/anxious mental features at times surrounding gender issues. I am just not certain how to figure out which is correct. It's a fascinating concept, and it is definitely something that I need to consider when exploring my gender identity issues & possible transitioning in whatever form that is right for me.

I will be writing more about this topic as I continue my journey, but I'm really tired right now so I think I better call it a night. Otherwise I might stop making sense!