The other side of the coin: my main obstacle to transitioning

While it's on my mind, I need to bring up an important issue concerning my overall resistance to transitioning in any respect. It is the main obstacle in my way of embracing either taking testosterone ("T") or having top surgery. I am very into natural and "alternative" health (specifically Ayurveda), and I have been having a mental struggle about if the effects of either of these would alter my physiology & disrupt the nature of my body. This is a very complex topic, with so many different layers to consider & argue, but unfortunately it is one that I have not been able to find much if any information about. I'm still looking, though.

Basically, I don't want to do anything to my body that would negate the benefits or effectiveness of Ayurveda. I have no idea whether or not Ayurvedically T would be recognized as a "toxin" in my body, or that removing my breasts would cause physiological changes that would yield a net effect of "foreign" or "unnatural." That is only one way of looking at it. Another is that, potentially, I am currently in an unnatural state (explaining genderqueer or transgender state?) & doing one or both of these would cause positive effects in my body. The latter argument has a lot of strength considering several facts of my current existence, including my low energy levels & certain depressive/anxious mental features at times surrounding gender issues. I am just not certain how to figure out which is correct. It's a fascinating concept, and it is definitely something that I need to consider when exploring my gender identity issues & possible transitioning in whatever form that is right for me.

I will be writing more about this topic as I continue my journey, but I'm really tired right now so I think I better call it a night. Otherwise I might stop making sense!

Top Surgery is looking more attractive

My boobs never used to bother me - physically. They never got swollen, ached, got in the way, or felt like they had lead inside of them & someone was trying to yank it out of there when I bend over. Now they do all of those things. I don't know if it's due to getting older (I'm not that old!) or what, but it's really annoying & uncomfortable. It's making top surgery look more attractive to me, when I didn't necessarily want it before, but I don't know if physical discomfort is a good enough reason to have this kind of surgery. It probably isn't. But I don't really know if that is truly the full story behind my feelings on the subject.

I used to think that having top surgery would be butchering my body, and since I have small boobs (and they used to not bother me), I didn't think I'd do it. I felt that I could live with the chest I had, even though it would create some awkwardness in certain situations depending on exactly how I chose to express my gender identity. And that is something that I still haven't quite figured out. But the problem with saying all this is that I'm not really sure if that's really the full story for me. I don't know if I convinced myself that I could "live with" my chest out of fear and/or denial of my genderqueerness and/or transgenderedness. It is quite possible, since I have to admit I do have body dysphoria. I just never translated it into specifically breast dysphoria. All I know is that I'm not 100% comfortable in the body I have, and I have always wished that I could be. The tricky thing here is that I'm not among the majority of people who want top surgery because they hate their boobs. I hate certain things about my boobs, but I don't particularly hate them as a whole and haven't had concrete dysphoric feelings about them...until now. Maybe it's easier to blame my present dysphoria on the physical symptoms I'm having, or finally admit my possibly pre-existing dysphoria because the physical symptoms give me a justifiable excuse - both of which might be cop outs. Maybe I haven't really allowed myself to acknowledge that it is okay to want my breasts removed. I really don't know at this point what my authentic feelings about this are.

I'm simply not sure yet if I want top surgery or not. It makes sense to me, but I often wonder if down the road I would regret it. It's obviously a long way off so I have time to figure this out. This is one of the reasons why I'm writing about it in order to explore my feelings. I am a bit apprehensive about putting my true feelings out there, because they scare me. I don't know what is "normal" or "not normal" and I'm frankly terrified to find out. In other words, I'm terrified of my own truth because I know deep down that my true feelings are my normal. It really doesn't matter what other people think. It matters what is right for me.

The concept that top surgery is a way to feel more comfortable in my body is something that I've only recently allowed myself to seriously consider for myself. I had (and still have) a lot of "what if" thoughts & "what would so and so think" & weird adherence to vague rules like "God gave you breasts so you were meant to have breasts" that I'm not really sure I agree with. I have watched several videos on YouTube about people who have had top surgery, and I found out today that all of them had one type of surgery called "Double Incision/Bilateral Mastectomy." I guess I had the wrong impression that was the top surgery. It's not. I found a video from transoutlaw that introduced me to another type of top surgery called "Peri-areolar." The important difference here is that with the "Double Incision/Bilateral Mastectomy" you have two large scars on your chest and the nipples/areola are reconstructed, neither of which were appealing results to me. It fed the "I can live with my chest the way it is, I guess, if that's what my alternative is." The Peri-areolar surgery - and another surgery called Keyhole - do not use the same technique; instead these surgeries (which vary slightly) use incisions directly on the areola (area around the nipple) and it is left intact. In addition, the scars are minimal & less noticeable compared to the former surgery. I was amazed at transoutlaw's results in the video because you cannot see the tell-tale chest scars (you can read about his transition on his Gender Outlaw blog). Since I'm smaller-chested, I am a potential candidate for either the Keyhole or Peri-areolar surgeries so I am going to look into them more. I am definitely more excited about top surgery with this new knowledge because the results are much more appealing to me. The thought of having a "stealth" male chest (i.e. it's not obvious I had my breasts removed due to large double scars) is amazing & opens up a whole new world for me! It's scary but enlivening at the same time.

Time will tell what is right for me. I owe it to myself to find out what that is.

** this entry was written partially on 4.6.2010 & partially on 4.7.2010 **

How I feel about transitioning

Seriously burdened with gender issues. Not that this is a new thing. But it's starting to dominate my thinking. I'm making some attempts to act on these thoughts by creating this blog & actually using my YouTube account (no videos yet but adding subscriptions & favorites so far) instead of just trolling as usual. I think that's progress. At least it'll get me out of my head more & maybe I can start to figure out who I am and how I feel about my gender & my identity.

Every day I feel a bit differently about it. Somedays, I really want to take testosterone. Other days, I want to stay just the way I am. Lately, I've actually started thinking about top surgery, but that's just because my breasts have been getting really sore during my cycles. I still can't imagine actually going through with that. At no point have I ever wanted bottom surgery.

But taking testosterone creates a whole set of issues for me. Like - I don't want facial hair. I want the muscles, the deeper voice, changes in facial structure, fat redistribution & loss, loss of periods (that would be fantastic), increased strength - and what I'm really intrigued about is the possibility that it might mellow me out a bit and might help my circulation & make me to feel warmer (I have incredibly cold hands & feet and it's really uncomfortable).

The biggest problem for me is that I'm not interested in doing anything if it's only to blend in socially or conform to a societal stereotype. That this really important to me, because I completely disagree with that action. So things like packing would be completely that - only for looks & not for me. I would HATE packing. Top surgery is kinda along those lines for me too - but I refuse to bind. I'm not willing to damage my body or risk complications just for looks. Plus, it's really uncomfortable. Right now I go braless almost 100% of the time. My boobs are small, and I don't particularly mind then except for the recent soreness & when I need to wear a bra during sports - but that kind of conflicts with my desire to have a male body in terms of muscle (chest/abs)....but I can figure all that out before it becomes necessary. It's not like I have the $$ or the clearance for that surgery anyway...

So I'm joining the local online transmen group & going to see where that goes. I'm really isolated socially and just like I don't feel like I fit in with lesbians, I don't feel like I fit in with the hardcore FTMs who are all about packing & looking like a man. I read another person who thought they identified as male but NOT as a man, and I feel like that accurately describes me...but then again I also feel like I identify as neither...or better yet "just me." But at least I can have the luxury of feeling out this group in the comfort of being online and anonymous instead of having to start out face to face. If that were the case I would probably never go...

Unless, of course - they weren't intimidating. I think if I found other people who identified less extreme like I do (i.e. genderqueer, gender variant, gender neutral, neither, or just me) I would be a whole lot more comfortable. At least at first. I don't like the thought of FTMs who have transitioned judging me because I haven't and am not 100% sure that I will. Maybe I'm just too sensitive about it, but some of the FTM YouTube videos I've seen make me nervous about it. I get that kind of scrutiny from the general population every single day: "Is that a boy or a girl?" - "Sir...oh I mean ma'am..." - etc. I don't want to have to deal with the other side of the spectrum, and still feel judged. The only value in getting involved in the transgender community is for the community & the support. Otherwise, what's the point? But like I said, I'm putting myself out there & I'm going to keep an open mind. After all, I have to give people a chance. I don't want to be the judgmental one.

My journey isn't starting now, as this has been a lifelong struggle for me. It's just moved from the subconscious to the conscious and now to action, and this is the point that I am finally allowing myself to explore freely. It's a new beginning. I am excited about what I will learn about myself & hopeful that I just might be able to find happiness after all...