The other side of the coin: my main obstacle to transitioning

While it's on my mind, I need to bring up an important issue concerning my overall resistance to transitioning in any respect. It is the main obstacle in my way of embracing either taking testosterone ("T") or having top surgery. I am very into natural and "alternative" health (specifically Ayurveda), and I have been having a mental struggle about if the effects of either of these would alter my physiology & disrupt the nature of my body. This is a very complex topic, with so many different layers to consider & argue, but unfortunately it is one that I have not been able to find much if any information about. I'm still looking, though.

Basically, I don't want to do anything to my body that would negate the benefits or effectiveness of Ayurveda. I have no idea whether or not Ayurvedically T would be recognized as a "toxin" in my body, or that removing my breasts would cause physiological changes that would yield a net effect of "foreign" or "unnatural." That is only one way of looking at it. Another is that, potentially, I am currently in an unnatural state (explaining genderqueer or transgender state?) & doing one or both of these would cause positive effects in my body. The latter argument has a lot of strength considering several facts of my current existence, including my low energy levels & certain depressive/anxious mental features at times surrounding gender issues. I am just not certain how to figure out which is correct. It's a fascinating concept, and it is definitely something that I need to consider when exploring my gender identity issues & possible transitioning in whatever form that is right for me.

I will be writing more about this topic as I continue my journey, but I'm really tired right now so I think I better call it a night. Otherwise I might stop making sense!

Top Surgery is looking more attractive

My boobs never used to bother me - physically. They never got swollen, ached, got in the way, or felt like they had lead inside of them & someone was trying to yank it out of there when I bend over. Now they do all of those things. I don't know if it's due to getting older (I'm not that old!) or what, but it's really annoying & uncomfortable. It's making top surgery look more attractive to me, when I didn't necessarily want it before, but I don't know if physical discomfort is a good enough reason to have this kind of surgery. It probably isn't. But I don't really know if that is truly the full story behind my feelings on the subject.

I used to think that having top surgery would be butchering my body, and since I have small boobs (and they used to not bother me), I didn't think I'd do it. I felt that I could live with the chest I had, even though it would create some awkwardness in certain situations depending on exactly how I chose to express my gender identity. And that is something that I still haven't quite figured out. But the problem with saying all this is that I'm not really sure if that's really the full story for me. I don't know if I convinced myself that I could "live with" my chest out of fear and/or denial of my genderqueerness and/or transgenderedness. It is quite possible, since I have to admit I do have body dysphoria. I just never translated it into specifically breast dysphoria. All I know is that I'm not 100% comfortable in the body I have, and I have always wished that I could be. The tricky thing here is that I'm not among the majority of people who want top surgery because they hate their boobs. I hate certain things about my boobs, but I don't particularly hate them as a whole and haven't had concrete dysphoric feelings about them...until now. Maybe it's easier to blame my present dysphoria on the physical symptoms I'm having, or finally admit my possibly pre-existing dysphoria because the physical symptoms give me a justifiable excuse - both of which might be cop outs. Maybe I haven't really allowed myself to acknowledge that it is okay to want my breasts removed. I really don't know at this point what my authentic feelings about this are.

I'm simply not sure yet if I want top surgery or not. It makes sense to me, but I often wonder if down the road I would regret it. It's obviously a long way off so I have time to figure this out. This is one of the reasons why I'm writing about it in order to explore my feelings. I am a bit apprehensive about putting my true feelings out there, because they scare me. I don't know what is "normal" or "not normal" and I'm frankly terrified to find out. In other words, I'm terrified of my own truth because I know deep down that my true feelings are my normal. It really doesn't matter what other people think. It matters what is right for me.

The concept that top surgery is a way to feel more comfortable in my body is something that I've only recently allowed myself to seriously consider for myself. I had (and still have) a lot of "what if" thoughts & "what would so and so think" & weird adherence to vague rules like "God gave you breasts so you were meant to have breasts" that I'm not really sure I agree with. I have watched several videos on YouTube about people who have had top surgery, and I found out today that all of them had one type of surgery called "Double Incision/Bilateral Mastectomy." I guess I had the wrong impression that was the top surgery. It's not. I found a video from transoutlaw that introduced me to another type of top surgery called "Peri-areolar." The important difference here is that with the "Double Incision/Bilateral Mastectomy" you have two large scars on your chest and the nipples/areola are reconstructed, neither of which were appealing results to me. It fed the "I can live with my chest the way it is, I guess, if that's what my alternative is." The Peri-areolar surgery - and another surgery called Keyhole - do not use the same technique; instead these surgeries (which vary slightly) use incisions directly on the areola (area around the nipple) and it is left intact. In addition, the scars are minimal & less noticeable compared to the former surgery. I was amazed at transoutlaw's results in the video because you cannot see the tell-tale chest scars (you can read about his transition on his Gender Outlaw blog). Since I'm smaller-chested, I am a potential candidate for either the Keyhole or Peri-areolar surgeries so I am going to look into them more. I am definitely more excited about top surgery with this new knowledge because the results are much more appealing to me. The thought of having a "stealth" male chest (i.e. it's not obvious I had my breasts removed due to large double scars) is amazing & opens up a whole new world for me! It's scary but enlivening at the same time.

Time will tell what is right for me. I owe it to myself to find out what that is.

** this entry was written partially on 4.6.2010 & partially on 4.7.2010 **

2010 Census: Intial excitement, eventual disdain

I, like every other American has or will, received the 2010 Census form in the mail a few weeks ago. It has sat unopened and unaddressed until two days ago. I discovered the site Queer the Census and immediately decided I was going to queer the census too, so I printed the "sticker." Then yesterday I picked up the packet, and opened it.

My initial reaction was "Wow, these questions are kind of personal." So instead of blindly filling it out, I decided to do more research about it. I found several public service announcements touting the fact that gay marriage and/or same sex partnerships were allowed to check the "married" box, and that transgender people were allowed to check either "male" or "female" based on their gender identity (that's nice for binary identified transgender people but still doesn't leave room for "either," "both," "neither," "other," etc.). I was pretty excited about that, since these issues have been long standing equal rights struggles. But there was something that bothered me about it. Something didn't quite make sense. As I thought about it, I began to realize that the Census Bureau was allowing people to check boxes that were not otherwise legally recognized. If I were to check that I was married and male, say on my taxes, that would be lying in terms of legality. Surely there would be serious ramifications for doing so. So why isn't that the case with the census? Why are they encouraging going against other legal impediments to our true identities? They make it sound like they are being inclusive, and their goal is to make "everyone count." But there are still problems with their logic. If they are really trying to get an accurate read on what types of people make up our country & communities within, then wouldn't an empty, fillable box be much more useful? I would still not feel counted by the available census answers because they nor my "legal" answers adequately account for my true identity at this time. This illustrates my general disdain for social labels that simply don't fit people into tidy little boxes no matter how hard you try to stuff them in.

Then there is the issue of privacy. Why do they need this kind of information from me? They claim that it is confidential. Yeah, right. I don't buy that for one second. Privacy is becoming more and more obsolete these days. But it also says, "YOUR RESPONSE IS REQUIRED BY LAW" (the caps were their idea, not mine). Is it? I know that the constitution allows for an "enumeration," or head count, but I'm not so sure that "by law" I am required to answer the other 9 questions.

I haven't decided yet how I'm going to handle this.