Scared to be me, but what's the worst that could happen?

I've come to realize something profound: I'm scared to be myself.

What's the worst that could happen, if I were to truly be true to myself? I don't really know the answer, but I know that the alternative is unacceptable & I just can't go on living my life like this. I have to figure out how to be comfortable with who I am. I have to take the risk that I will lose people that I love - because if I don't, I risk losing myself completely.

I grew up in an alcoholic household. My entire family were/are alcoholics. I have a lot of self-esteem issues surrounding experiences from being a child around a bunch of drunk people. I learned very early on that my feelings were insignificant and/or wrong & that it was my responsibility to take care of everyone but myself. I didn't have much time to explore my identity; it simply wasn't safe. So I created an outward persona & hid the real me deep inside. For a long time I ignored that person & continued dealing with the insanity in a dysfunctional alcoholic family. I became a workaholic in order to escape from the pain.

But eventually, I couldn't ignore it any more. Eventually, the surface began to crack & all the pent up anger, fear, hurt, shame, and resentment overflowed. The dysfunctional dynamic was continuing in the present without an end, and I simply had no more room to store all the wreckage anymore. So I did the only thing I could do: I stopped.

I stopped letting people say things to me without being accountable for them.

I stopped listening to the people trying to control my life.

I stopped participating in unhealthy conversations & relationships.

I stopped looking at myself as powerless to change my life.

I stopped replaying the old tapes.

I stopped sacrificing my happiness for the happiness of others.

I stopped living a lie.

I've been in a continual state of reevaluation of my life for a few years now. I've taken a long hard look at every nugget of my life, a process that is slow, painful, scary, and incredibly difficult. It's far from over, I have a long road ahead of me. But I can feel that I'm on to something; that there is something changing, that I'm moving towards something bigger. Could that something be healing? I sure hope so. It's been so lonely, yet I feel connected and lead. I've put in the effort, had the courage, endured the confusion and pain and uncertainty. I'm ready to be authentic. I'm ready to embrace my truth, whatever that truth happens to be. 

I'm ready to heal.