How I feel about transitioning

Seriously burdened with gender issues. Not that this is a new thing. But it's starting to dominate my thinking. I'm making some attempts to act on these thoughts by creating this blog & actually using my YouTube account (no videos yet but adding subscriptions & favorites so far) instead of just trolling as usual. I think that's progress. At least it'll get me out of my head more & maybe I can start to figure out who I am and how I feel about my gender & my identity.

Every day I feel a bit differently about it. Somedays, I really want to take testosterone. Other days, I want to stay just the way I am. Lately, I've actually started thinking about top surgery, but that's just because my breasts have been getting really sore during my cycles. I still can't imagine actually going through with that. At no point have I ever wanted bottom surgery.

But taking testosterone creates a whole set of issues for me. Like - I don't want facial hair. I want the muscles, the deeper voice, changes in facial structure, fat redistribution & loss, loss of periods (that would be fantastic), increased strength - and what I'm really intrigued about is the possibility that it might mellow me out a bit and might help my circulation & make me to feel warmer (I have incredibly cold hands & feet and it's really uncomfortable).

The biggest problem for me is that I'm not interested in doing anything if it's only to blend in socially or conform to a societal stereotype. That this really important to me, because I completely disagree with that action. So things like packing would be completely that - only for looks & not for me. I would HATE packing. Top surgery is kinda along those lines for me too - but I refuse to bind. I'm not willing to damage my body or risk complications just for looks. Plus, it's really uncomfortable. Right now I go braless almost 100% of the time. My boobs are small, and I don't particularly mind then except for the recent soreness & when I need to wear a bra during sports - but that kind of conflicts with my desire to have a male body in terms of muscle (chest/abs)....but I can figure all that out before it becomes necessary. It's not like I have the $$ or the clearance for that surgery anyway...

So I'm joining the local online transmen group & going to see where that goes. I'm really isolated socially and just like I don't feel like I fit in with lesbians, I don't feel like I fit in with the hardcore FTMs who are all about packing & looking like a man. I read another person who thought they identified as male but NOT as a man, and I feel like that accurately describes me...but then again I also feel like I identify as neither...or better yet "just me." But at least I can have the luxury of feeling out this group in the comfort of being online and anonymous instead of having to start out face to face. If that were the case I would probably never go...

Unless, of course - they weren't intimidating. I think if I found other people who identified less extreme like I do (i.e. genderqueer, gender variant, gender neutral, neither, or just me) I would be a whole lot more comfortable. At least at first. I don't like the thought of FTMs who have transitioned judging me because I haven't and am not 100% sure that I will. Maybe I'm just too sensitive about it, but some of the FTM YouTube videos I've seen make me nervous about it. I get that kind of scrutiny from the general population every single day: "Is that a boy or a girl?" - "Sir...oh I mean ma'am..." - etc. I don't want to have to deal with the other side of the spectrum, and still feel judged. The only value in getting involved in the transgender community is for the community & the support. Otherwise, what's the point? But like I said, I'm putting myself out there & I'm going to keep an open mind. After all, I have to give people a chance. I don't want to be the judgmental one.

My journey isn't starting now, as this has been a lifelong struggle for me. It's just moved from the subconscious to the conscious and now to action, and this is the point that I am finally allowing myself to explore freely. It's a new beginning. I am excited about what I will learn about myself & hopeful that I just might be able to find happiness after all...