Hairy legs...

I am very self conscious about my hairy legs - that is, if I were to go out in public with shorts on. I stopped shaving a few years ago. I hated shaving & my hair kept growing back thicker & I'd have these bumps on my legs. I decided that it wasn't worth it anymore, as shaving never made me feel good about myself. It was strictly a behavior I'd always done & feared not doing due to social pressure. That eventually became not a good enough reason to do it.

So, since I've been shaving since my teen years (after my mother put me in the bathroom with a razor and some shaving cream and told me to shave my legs because "it was time" and "this is what all girls HAVE to do"), my leg hair is pretty dark and more coarse. I hate that part of it. I really wish I had never shaved my legs in the first place. I used to hear kids my age make fun of girls that didn't shave their legs - but they were always girly girls that were more European or "hippie-ish" (I hate the word hippie, by the way - at least the negative connotation it has these days. I'm simply using it for lack of another word) so in my eyes they could get away with it. I somehow knew that if I didn't shave my legs, I'd be in for a tremendous amount of teasing and/or bullying for breaking yet another gender role. I was already pushing the limits, so I just didn't challenge this one.

My legs are pretty white, so white legs with dark hair doesn't equal inconspicuous. I'm sure there's a bit of self-consciousness mixed in there...but I do know that even today not shaving your legs is not widely accepted/acceptable and therefore makes me feel uncomfortable. It's something that I need to get over though. I no longer want to go without wearing shorts, especially with another summer coming up. So I'm sort of using my hairy legs to challenge myself to go a step further & not care what anyone else thinks of my hairy legs. I figure if I can conquer this, I can conquer other rigid gender roles & start to become comfortable with myself & my gender expression.

So this weekend I went to the state parks Saturday & Sunday, and on Saturday I wore shorts - hairy legs & all. It was fantastic! It felt so good to feel the wind blow on my bare legs (poor sticks haven't seen real daylight for an extended amount of time; they only get exposed on my private porch during my smoke breaks when I'm wearing shorts). I was pretty self-conscious about it at the park but I had to laugh at myself because I had a touch of paranoia, thinking everyone in the picnic area or who walked past our table was staring at my legs. But obviously, it was uneventful. Nobody ran up to me pointing and laughing and I accomplished the first step. I'm pretty proud of myself.

I'm sure I'll look back on this someday and wonder why it was an issue at all, but right now this is a big body image issue for me. It's an important step towards self-acceptance and it's a pretty powerful one since it causes me quite a bit of anxiety. For a long time I avoided swimming & wearing shorts - two things I used to do all the time - simply because I didn't want to shave my legs or go out in public with hairy legs. I don't want to continue to miss out on things that I enjoy just because of fear & shame. And just because of hair in the "wrong" place.

It's opening up a whole new world for me, and once I get the hang of it I just might start to enjoy displaying more gender-bending behaviors in public. If anything, it can be a source of amusement from all the gawking I'll cause - just for being me!