Suppressed

I have felt suppressed for as long as I can remember. Thinking back to when I was in high school, I remember having the feeling that I was watching other people live their lives & could never really understand what was stopping me from doing the same. I read about other transgender people who had an awareness at a younger age that it was gender related. I never really made that connection. I guess it's because I never conceived that it was possible to change genders, or that there were people who were in between. It always felt distinctly like the problem was with me and that I was defective in some way. All the cues in my experience pointed to that. Perhaps if I had been exposed to a different perspective, some more open-mindedness...that would have given me some options. But that's not how it was for me. People in my life pointed out the gender bending behaviors I had but not once did any of them think to address them in a way that would validate my experience as something real and normal. Maybe they just didn't understand the issues & the options, either. But I don't like giving excuses for negligence, no matter how innocent it may be. I feel like the adults in my life as a child failed me - in more ways than one.

Maybe if I didn't grow up in an alcoholic household/family things would have been different for me too. Maybe I would have had more energy & awareness about who I was. Instead, my energy was focused on survival. I was constantly hypervigilant about other people's actions, trying to figure out when I was safe & when I was in danger - especially with my mom. It was exhausting, but I didn't know any other way. I thought it was "normal," even though it made me miserable. When I questioned it, my mom would throw tantrums & threaten me & freak out while telling me that she wasn't an alcoholic, didn't need help, and that I was never, ever to talk to anybody about it because that would be betraying the family. It scared the hell out of me because that meant I had nobody to turn to. I was petrified of my "secret," and even the people I dared to tell didn't do a damn thing about it. I was stuck, and so it was that my feelings - about gender or otherwise - became unimportant.

I was robbed of the right to develop my own individuality & explore who I was. This is a normal childhood experience, but my mother viewed anything outside of her box as wrong or unimportant. I felt that she viewed me as an inconvenience, and she had very little patience when it came to my needs. I ended up becoming very good at minimizing my own needs in order to avoid provoking her as much as possible. But it didn't really do any good, since her behavior & her opinions changed on a daily basis. I often wonder how different my life would have been had I understood the concept that a child is supposed to explore & develop their own identity, independent of their parents. Or better yet - if my mother had understood that and nurtured that for me. After all, she was the adult. But my point is that my home environment discouraged individuality. So it was that much harder for me to come to the realization that at the most basic level my identity as a distinct human being apart from anyone else including my mother was an important & necessary part of my development, and that growing up in the dysfunctional family severely damaged my ability to develop this in a healthy way. I grieve for that loss.

I think that's what caused me to feel suppressed: my natural, instinctual urges to develop my unique identity was suppressed & therefore my social experiences gravitated towards being an observer because I was never taught that it was okay to be myself. Rather, I constantly received subtle messages to the contrary. My mom would pick out things about my behavior to ridicule, often in front of her friends while they were drinking, and when I would get upset she would laugh & tell me that she was joking and that I was too sensitive. She never apologized or realized how damaging that would be to a child. It taught me to suppress as much of myself as possible in order to avoid shame & humiliation & hurt. The problem for me was that it was quite unclear what exactly about myself was the "bad" part, and I was confused. I basically withdrew the "real me" and developed a persona that hid that person deep inside, so that I could survive in the environment. I guess subconsciously I understood that I had no choice but to be an observer since it was not safe to expose my true self to the world in order for me to become the observed. It is a constant source of anguish for me when I think about how much I missed out on because of this.

Today my true self has fought itself to the surface and is screaming to get out. I can no longer suppress it, and I've come to realize over that I don't have to suppress it. Over the last 5-6 years of my life, I've slowly broken down the shell of the false persona & really dug into the core of who I am. I've done some intense soul searching & assessing of the dominating rules in my consciousness. I've decided that I no longer want to subscribe to much of what those rules are. I am still exploring how to rewrite those rules & erase or heal from the damage that has been done from the old rules. It's been a long, painful & lonely process...but I still have hope that I will be able to overcome the traumas of my past & use those experiences to make me a stronger person. The process of shedding the lessons I've been taught that have held me captive emotionally, mentally & spiritually and replacing them with new & healthy philosophies will lay the foundation that has been missing to develop a healthy & strong identity. It is only then that I have a chance to find happiness. That process IS happiness.

I will not be suppressed anymore!